Jenny, you have to leave him. I told her, I continue to tell her every fucking waking minute
of her good for nothing life. Why do I see what everybody else is blind to?
He’s a good man, her mother tells her. He’s a wonderful man. Just because he puts food on
the table, he puts clothes on your back, he buys things for your daughter? Is that what makes
someone a good person or a good man? To be fake as fake can be? Actually he seems to love
your daughter more than he loves his own boys. He buys her anything she wants, especially
when she throws fits, almost as if he were scared of her. Does that make someone a good
person? Is there something else going on that I should know, or do I know it already? Why
can I see this when no body else can?
I could hear Jenny screaming in my head as her husband beat her yesterday. I could hear as
she yelled for someone to help her, no one came for fear that they will be in the same situation
as her. “Don’t you ever undermine me, bitch!” He scolded her with such anger, an evil look
upon his face, the demon that haunts her reaching out of his body, slapping her around,
punching her face in, punching her stomach.
She looked dead this morning, as I looked in the mirror with disgust I asked her to give him
up for me. “You either leave him, Jenny, or I’ll have to leave you. So make the decision before I
make it for you.”
“Just give me some time.” She shouted back into the mirror as I starred at her with an
anger that I felt deep inside, all the way down to my bones. “Just give me time, that’s all I ask
of you. I cant live without you, but I don’t know how to live without him. I don’t know what
to do, I need time to think about it. Please, don’t leave just yet.”
The tears begin to roll over the bags under her eyes, and down to her cheeks. Some drops
will fall off her face and others will continue their journey down to her neck until they finally
dry up or become absorbed in her shirt. “Fuck!” She yells, frustrated with herself. Frustrated
with Jenny, not knowing how to talk to her, how to help her, how to save her from herself,
from the fucked up nightmare that has become of her once calm life.
“Fuuuuucccccckkkkkkk !!!!!” She screamed so loud I could feel a knife pushed into the side
of my head. Footsteps in the hall create the pounding headache that now accompanies the
migraine, as they get closer and closer my head is about to explode. The footsteps stop, so
does the pounding in my head as everything become colorful and starts turning in my head, I
look up to find Jerry standing at my side, looking down at me as he looks at the worms in our
garden right before sending them off to hell just like they deserve. Another knife is pushed into
the other side of my head, as it explodes all over the bathroom, the carpet full of gooey
blackish red blood.
Not finished editing, but what do you think of it so far?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Sept. 1, 2009
I'm pretty sure today is going to be a boring day, but I did have a somewhat interesting dream last night.
But before I tell you the dream, let me give you a quick 411 on the background of my family, that might help me understand this dream, and what it could be telling me.
My aunt has been in and out of the hospital lately, she has cancer. She just finished her last Radiation treatment last month. The doctors say her cancer is gone, however, she weighs 400 lbs. The weight at this point seems to be a lot more dangerous than the cancer ever was, and if she doesn't lose the weight, it makes it very easy for the cancer to find its way back into her cells.
My Grandmother is 85 years old, she used to be very active. She would cook for her sons who are already grown and should be married but are not for some reason, they just stayed home with mom all their pathetic lives. Well Grandma's kidneys are failing now, and she attends her Dialysis treatments 3 times a week. She's become very weak and could barely even walk, but even then feels a sense of obligation to cook, clean, and wash for her lazy and selfish sons. I've been fearing her death for months now. I even find myself making stories up in my mind, watching all the ways possible for her to go. I guess its just the way that I'm preparing my mind for that day to come.
My cousin, Andy, was bedridden since I can remember up until his death on Mar. 15, 2009, just 6 months ago. He was always happy no matter what. He never let anyone know what he felt inside, he always protected us as best he could in that Godforsaken bed.
Fourth and final fact you need to know in order to make sense of this dream is that I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman. Her name is Clara. Since my aunt was diagnosed with Cancer, I've been very distant from her, we hang out, we talk and everything, but we hardly have any time to be truly intimate, physically, emotionally or otherwise. I've just been so busy with my aunt, and school, and trying to get ahead in life.
Well, now that you know that, here is my dream.
I'm in the hospital with my aunt. She has gained at least 200 lbs on top of the 400 that she already weighs. The doctor is telling us something but I cant make out what it is. I just see myself crying like I've never cried before. My aunt is fine however, she even has a smile on her face.
My cousin Rosa comes in the room as the doctor leaves.
I need some air, and maybe I should get a bite to eat, I feel as though I'll faint any minute now.
I leave her to spend some time with her aunt. As I close the door I look through the window and see the tears rushing out of her eyes and down her face. As hard as it is for me, I turn and start walking down the hall towards the exit. As I walk slouched with my head down I feel as though everyone is starring at me.
Finally at the end of the hall the doors open for me and I walk out. I hear a voice, soft, like an angel.
"Mangies"
Mangies? The only person who ever called me that was Andy. I turn to look at the voice and find a man sitting in a wheelchair. His left leg amputated, his whole body paralyzed, and of course a smile on his face.
"Tell Lupe to come visit me."
"I will."
After that I left and I didn't return. I saw myself with Clara, we had two babies, a boy and a girl, they seemed to be about 2 years old, they were twins, we drove to the cemetery where we were to visit three graves.
That was the end of my dream. Now, the way I see it, is that it's my grandmothers time, she wasn't in my dream, she must have been gone already. Andy told me to tell my aunt to go visit him. He's already gone, wherever we go when that time comes. And the doctor was giving us bad news.
The graves, could only mean, my aunt, my cousin, and Grandma.
I finally had time for Clara, its at least 2 years later, and we have kids.
I'm not sure if I'm right about this, I hope I'm not, not completely. Maybe its telling me to help my aunt lose weight so she can live longer and happier, or maybe Andy is telling me that its her time as well.
Let me know what you think, help me understand this dream, its driving me crazy.
But before I tell you the dream, let me give you a quick 411 on the background of my family, that might help me understand this dream, and what it could be telling me.
My aunt has been in and out of the hospital lately, she has cancer. She just finished her last Radiation treatment last month. The doctors say her cancer is gone, however, she weighs 400 lbs. The weight at this point seems to be a lot more dangerous than the cancer ever was, and if she doesn't lose the weight, it makes it very easy for the cancer to find its way back into her cells.
My Grandmother is 85 years old, she used to be very active. She would cook for her sons who are already grown and should be married but are not for some reason, they just stayed home with mom all their pathetic lives. Well Grandma's kidneys are failing now, and she attends her Dialysis treatments 3 times a week. She's become very weak and could barely even walk, but even then feels a sense of obligation to cook, clean, and wash for her lazy and selfish sons. I've been fearing her death for months now. I even find myself making stories up in my mind, watching all the ways possible for her to go. I guess its just the way that I'm preparing my mind for that day to come.
My cousin, Andy, was bedridden since I can remember up until his death on Mar. 15, 2009, just 6 months ago. He was always happy no matter what. He never let anyone know what he felt inside, he always protected us as best he could in that Godforsaken bed.
Fourth and final fact you need to know in order to make sense of this dream is that I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman. Her name is Clara. Since my aunt was diagnosed with Cancer, I've been very distant from her, we hang out, we talk and everything, but we hardly have any time to be truly intimate, physically, emotionally or otherwise. I've just been so busy with my aunt, and school, and trying to get ahead in life.
Well, now that you know that, here is my dream.
I'm in the hospital with my aunt. She has gained at least 200 lbs on top of the 400 that she already weighs. The doctor is telling us something but I cant make out what it is. I just see myself crying like I've never cried before. My aunt is fine however, she even has a smile on her face.
My cousin Rosa comes in the room as the doctor leaves.
I need some air, and maybe I should get a bite to eat, I feel as though I'll faint any minute now.
I leave her to spend some time with her aunt. As I close the door I look through the window and see the tears rushing out of her eyes and down her face. As hard as it is for me, I turn and start walking down the hall towards the exit. As I walk slouched with my head down I feel as though everyone is starring at me.
Finally at the end of the hall the doors open for me and I walk out. I hear a voice, soft, like an angel.
"Mangies"
Mangies? The only person who ever called me that was Andy. I turn to look at the voice and find a man sitting in a wheelchair. His left leg amputated, his whole body paralyzed, and of course a smile on his face.
"Tell Lupe to come visit me."
"I will."
After that I left and I didn't return. I saw myself with Clara, we had two babies, a boy and a girl, they seemed to be about 2 years old, they were twins, we drove to the cemetery where we were to visit three graves.
That was the end of my dream. Now, the way I see it, is that it's my grandmothers time, she wasn't in my dream, she must have been gone already. Andy told me to tell my aunt to go visit him. He's already gone, wherever we go when that time comes. And the doctor was giving us bad news.
The graves, could only mean, my aunt, my cousin, and Grandma.
I finally had time for Clara, its at least 2 years later, and we have kids.
I'm not sure if I'm right about this, I hope I'm not, not completely. Maybe its telling me to help my aunt lose weight so she can live longer and happier, or maybe Andy is telling me that its her time as well.
Let me know what you think, help me understand this dream, its driving me crazy.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Attempted Suicide Horrors
I was looking for Suicide articles and ran across this one. Its crazy, for those of you who feel the need to end your life (and I used to be one of you), please think twice before acting on it. It might not go exactly the way you plan.
If you think you might commit suicide I strongly urge you to call the number at the end of this article.
Attempted Suicide Horrors
by Kevin Caruso
The vast majority of people who attempt suicide do not actually die by suicide.
(Let me emphatically remind you that it is never okay to die by suicide or attempt suicide. Never.)
So please let me share with you some of the horrors of people who have attempted suicide, and were left in bad shape because of their attempt.
Amber jumped off of a cliff. She lived, but broke her back (and many other bones). And now she is paralyzed from the waist down and confined to a wheelchair. She lives with her mother.
Martin shot himself in the head with a revolver. He survived, but suffered extensive brain damage. He is in a care facility.
Steven tried to hang himself. He survived, but suffered extensive brain damage. His mother and father now care for him.
Donna thought that taking an overdose of pills would be a peaceful and surefire way to end her life. She took the overdose, but she did not die. Her mother found her lying unconscious on the floor. Donna lapsed into a coma. She eventually came out of her coma, but suffered internal organ damage and brain damage. She is in a care facility.
James shot himself in the abdomen. He did not die, but he suffered massive injuries and lost a kidney.
Elizabeth jumped from a bridge. She landed on a rock and broke her back (and many other bones). She survived, but is paralyzed from the neck down and is in a care facility.
Charles cut his wrists. He survived but severed a tendon and damaged several nerves in his left arm. He has never regained full use of his left hand.
Roger thought a shotgun would blow his head clean off so he would die instantly. He placed the back of the gun on the ground and pulled the trigger. He lived. The gun moved as he was pulling the trigger and his brain was not touched, but the tremendous muzzle blast destroyed his face--everything just below his eyes was gone, including his mouth, chin, nose, and cheeks. After innumerable surgeries, Roger still lives with horrible disfigurement.
And, unfortunately, there are many, many more sad stories like these.
Suicide is a very, very, very serious thing. It is never okay to die by suicide. And for many people who attempt suicide, the result is a paralyzed or disfigured body, or permanent brain damage.
Please don't be one of those people.
Please get help.
You really need to understand the consequences of a suicide attempt.
And all of the consequences are horrible.
Instead of reaching for an instrument to harm yourself, reach for your phone.
Call 911 or 1-800-SUICIDE and get the help that you need.
Take care.
And remember, people care for you, and people want to help you.
Don't harm yourself. Don't ever, under any circumstances, harm yourself.
You are awesome! And don't forget it.
Our inner Dreams
Dreams, so magical, so scary at times....filled with emotions and thoughts of all sorts.
As many of us already know, the rules of reality and logic do not apply in the mad world of dreams, as they most often do in our waking life.
As defined by Wikipedia: "Dreams are a series of images, ideas, emotion, and sensation occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. The content and purpose of dreams are not fully understood, though they have been a topic of speculation and interest throughout recorded history."
The scientific study of dreams is known as oneirology.
Well, by studying oneirology, I should gain a better understanding of my dreams and therefore also gain a better perspective on my own life.
So join me on this quest of figuring out my life through my dreams, and tune in next week for more information on Recurring Dreams.
P.S: Please comment on anything you'd like, it will help me in delivering the information that YOU would like to read about.
Have a Great week !!!
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Sunday, August 30, 2009
2012
December 21, 2012. To some people this day is nearing faster and faster. To others, it may just be another myth.
Could it really be the end of the world?
According to the Mayan Prophecies, Earth and her inhabitants are currently traveling through the 13th baktun cycle - the final period of 1618-2012 AD, the cycle known at "the triumph of materialism" and "the transformation of matter." According to the Mayan predictions this time will be a time of "great forgetting" in which we drift far from our sense of oneness with nature. Humanities ego and domination has grown significantly.
So what will happen to us?
Well there really isn't a single concrete answer to that question. Anything can happen from cataclysm to enlightenment, world war to world peace, massive earth changes and physical destruction, to massive spiritual awakening to our inherent oneness.
The only thing we can do is wait for something to happen!
The old world is ending and a new one is soon to begin.
This is really interesting me now, tune in next week after I've researched it more. I'll get the whole 411 to you by Monday of next week (not tomorrow, next week).
Take care and enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Could it really be the end of the world?
According to the Mayan Prophecies, Earth and her inhabitants are currently traveling through the 13th baktun cycle - the final period of 1618-2012 AD, the cycle known at "the triumph of materialism" and "the transformation of matter." According to the Mayan predictions this time will be a time of "great forgetting" in which we drift far from our sense of oneness with nature. Humanities ego and domination has grown significantly.
So what will happen to us?
Well there really isn't a single concrete answer to that question. Anything can happen from cataclysm to enlightenment, world war to world peace, massive earth changes and physical destruction, to massive spiritual awakening to our inherent oneness.
The only thing we can do is wait for something to happen!
The old world is ending and a new one is soon to begin.
This is really interesting me now, tune in next week after I've researched it more. I'll get the whole 411 to you by Monday of next week (not tomorrow, next week).
Take care and enjoy the rest of your weekend.
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