Jenny, you have to leave him. I told her, I continue to tell her every fucking waking minute
of her good for nothing life. Why do I see what everybody else is blind to?
He’s a good man, her mother tells her. He’s a wonderful man. Just because he puts food on
the table, he puts clothes on your back, he buys things for your daughter? Is that what makes
someone a good person or a good man? To be fake as fake can be? Actually he seems to love
your daughter more than he loves his own boys. He buys her anything she wants, especially
when she throws fits, almost as if he were scared of her. Does that make someone a good
person? Is there something else going on that I should know, or do I know it already? Why
can I see this when no body else can?
I could hear Jenny screaming in my head as her husband beat her yesterday. I could hear as
she yelled for someone to help her, no one came for fear that they will be in the same situation
as her. “Don’t you ever undermine me, bitch!” He scolded her with such anger, an evil look
upon his face, the demon that haunts her reaching out of his body, slapping her around,
punching her face in, punching her stomach.
She looked dead this morning, as I looked in the mirror with disgust I asked her to give him
up for me. “You either leave him, Jenny, or I’ll have to leave you. So make the decision before I
make it for you.”
“Just give me some time.” She shouted back into the mirror as I starred at her with an
anger that I felt deep inside, all the way down to my bones. “Just give me time, that’s all I ask
of you. I cant live without you, but I don’t know how to live without him. I don’t know what
to do, I need time to think about it. Please, don’t leave just yet.”
The tears begin to roll over the bags under her eyes, and down to her cheeks. Some drops
will fall off her face and others will continue their journey down to her neck until they finally
dry up or become absorbed in her shirt. “Fuck!” She yells, frustrated with herself. Frustrated
with Jenny, not knowing how to talk to her, how to help her, how to save her from herself,
from the fucked up nightmare that has become of her once calm life.
“Fuuuuucccccckkkkkkk !!!!!” She screamed so loud I could feel a knife pushed into the side
of my head. Footsteps in the hall create the pounding headache that now accompanies the
migraine, as they get closer and closer my head is about to explode. The footsteps stop, so
does the pounding in my head as everything become colorful and starts turning in my head, I
look up to find Jerry standing at my side, looking down at me as he looks at the worms in our
garden right before sending them off to hell just like they deserve. Another knife is pushed into
the other side of my head, as it explodes all over the bathroom, the carpet full of gooey
blackish red blood.
Not finished editing, but what do you think of it so far?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Sept. 1, 2009
I'm pretty sure today is going to be a boring day, but I did have a somewhat interesting dream last night.
But before I tell you the dream, let me give you a quick 411 on the background of my family, that might help me understand this dream, and what it could be telling me.
My aunt has been in and out of the hospital lately, she has cancer. She just finished her last Radiation treatment last month. The doctors say her cancer is gone, however, she weighs 400 lbs. The weight at this point seems to be a lot more dangerous than the cancer ever was, and if she doesn't lose the weight, it makes it very easy for the cancer to find its way back into her cells.
My Grandmother is 85 years old, she used to be very active. She would cook for her sons who are already grown and should be married but are not for some reason, they just stayed home with mom all their pathetic lives. Well Grandma's kidneys are failing now, and she attends her Dialysis treatments 3 times a week. She's become very weak and could barely even walk, but even then feels a sense of obligation to cook, clean, and wash for her lazy and selfish sons. I've been fearing her death for months now. I even find myself making stories up in my mind, watching all the ways possible for her to go. I guess its just the way that I'm preparing my mind for that day to come.
My cousin, Andy, was bedridden since I can remember up until his death on Mar. 15, 2009, just 6 months ago. He was always happy no matter what. He never let anyone know what he felt inside, he always protected us as best he could in that Godforsaken bed.
Fourth and final fact you need to know in order to make sense of this dream is that I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman. Her name is Clara. Since my aunt was diagnosed with Cancer, I've been very distant from her, we hang out, we talk and everything, but we hardly have any time to be truly intimate, physically, emotionally or otherwise. I've just been so busy with my aunt, and school, and trying to get ahead in life.
Well, now that you know that, here is my dream.
I'm in the hospital with my aunt. She has gained at least 200 lbs on top of the 400 that she already weighs. The doctor is telling us something but I cant make out what it is. I just see myself crying like I've never cried before. My aunt is fine however, she even has a smile on her face.
My cousin Rosa comes in the room as the doctor leaves.
I need some air, and maybe I should get a bite to eat, I feel as though I'll faint any minute now.
I leave her to spend some time with her aunt. As I close the door I look through the window and see the tears rushing out of her eyes and down her face. As hard as it is for me, I turn and start walking down the hall towards the exit. As I walk slouched with my head down I feel as though everyone is starring at me.
Finally at the end of the hall the doors open for me and I walk out. I hear a voice, soft, like an angel.
"Mangies"
Mangies? The only person who ever called me that was Andy. I turn to look at the voice and find a man sitting in a wheelchair. His left leg amputated, his whole body paralyzed, and of course a smile on his face.
"Tell Lupe to come visit me."
"I will."
After that I left and I didn't return. I saw myself with Clara, we had two babies, a boy and a girl, they seemed to be about 2 years old, they were twins, we drove to the cemetery where we were to visit three graves.
That was the end of my dream. Now, the way I see it, is that it's my grandmothers time, she wasn't in my dream, she must have been gone already. Andy told me to tell my aunt to go visit him. He's already gone, wherever we go when that time comes. And the doctor was giving us bad news.
The graves, could only mean, my aunt, my cousin, and Grandma.
I finally had time for Clara, its at least 2 years later, and we have kids.
I'm not sure if I'm right about this, I hope I'm not, not completely. Maybe its telling me to help my aunt lose weight so she can live longer and happier, or maybe Andy is telling me that its her time as well.
Let me know what you think, help me understand this dream, its driving me crazy.
But before I tell you the dream, let me give you a quick 411 on the background of my family, that might help me understand this dream, and what it could be telling me.
My aunt has been in and out of the hospital lately, she has cancer. She just finished her last Radiation treatment last month. The doctors say her cancer is gone, however, she weighs 400 lbs. The weight at this point seems to be a lot more dangerous than the cancer ever was, and if she doesn't lose the weight, it makes it very easy for the cancer to find its way back into her cells.
My Grandmother is 85 years old, she used to be very active. She would cook for her sons who are already grown and should be married but are not for some reason, they just stayed home with mom all their pathetic lives. Well Grandma's kidneys are failing now, and she attends her Dialysis treatments 3 times a week. She's become very weak and could barely even walk, but even then feels a sense of obligation to cook, clean, and wash for her lazy and selfish sons. I've been fearing her death for months now. I even find myself making stories up in my mind, watching all the ways possible for her to go. I guess its just the way that I'm preparing my mind for that day to come.
My cousin, Andy, was bedridden since I can remember up until his death on Mar. 15, 2009, just 6 months ago. He was always happy no matter what. He never let anyone know what he felt inside, he always protected us as best he could in that Godforsaken bed.
Fourth and final fact you need to know in order to make sense of this dream is that I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman. Her name is Clara. Since my aunt was diagnosed with Cancer, I've been very distant from her, we hang out, we talk and everything, but we hardly have any time to be truly intimate, physically, emotionally or otherwise. I've just been so busy with my aunt, and school, and trying to get ahead in life.
Well, now that you know that, here is my dream.
I'm in the hospital with my aunt. She has gained at least 200 lbs on top of the 400 that she already weighs. The doctor is telling us something but I cant make out what it is. I just see myself crying like I've never cried before. My aunt is fine however, she even has a smile on her face.
My cousin Rosa comes in the room as the doctor leaves.
I need some air, and maybe I should get a bite to eat, I feel as though I'll faint any minute now.
I leave her to spend some time with her aunt. As I close the door I look through the window and see the tears rushing out of her eyes and down her face. As hard as it is for me, I turn and start walking down the hall towards the exit. As I walk slouched with my head down I feel as though everyone is starring at me.
Finally at the end of the hall the doors open for me and I walk out. I hear a voice, soft, like an angel.
"Mangies"
Mangies? The only person who ever called me that was Andy. I turn to look at the voice and find a man sitting in a wheelchair. His left leg amputated, his whole body paralyzed, and of course a smile on his face.
"Tell Lupe to come visit me."
"I will."
After that I left and I didn't return. I saw myself with Clara, we had two babies, a boy and a girl, they seemed to be about 2 years old, they were twins, we drove to the cemetery where we were to visit three graves.
That was the end of my dream. Now, the way I see it, is that it's my grandmothers time, she wasn't in my dream, she must have been gone already. Andy told me to tell my aunt to go visit him. He's already gone, wherever we go when that time comes. And the doctor was giving us bad news.
The graves, could only mean, my aunt, my cousin, and Grandma.
I finally had time for Clara, its at least 2 years later, and we have kids.
I'm not sure if I'm right about this, I hope I'm not, not completely. Maybe its telling me to help my aunt lose weight so she can live longer and happier, or maybe Andy is telling me that its her time as well.
Let me know what you think, help me understand this dream, its driving me crazy.
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